In case you are wondering about my long silence, I thought I would drop a line.
I’d worked for Mercy Ships for about 15 of the last 20 years and given everything I had, and more. Over-employed, as Dad said. Things change and a restructure in the department saw me out of a job. Well, more than a job – a community, a passion, a vision, lots and lots and lots of relationships – not gone, but very much changed. A whole lot of grief and desire to understand - I was left a little shaken. Of course there was lots to be thankful for too and so many people I have learnt so much from, not to mention rich, rich countries full of experiences and vibrant warm cultures that will be tucked away in my heart forever.
And then Dad. A year of cancer stealing his earthly life from him. What can I say. I felt like life was on hold for much of last year – fearfully waiting what would happen next and trying not to live the worst-case scenarios in my head but failing. Maybe bizarrely, the worst case wasn’t about death, it was more about suffering. I couldn’t bear to see my dad suffering in body, mind and spirit. It was a privilege to walk that last year with him and I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. I watched him battle but eventually I also watched him surrender and embrace the peace. I learned so much from him. ‘The knowledge that I will be able to close my eyes in peace and encounter Christ is a source of festival. To consent to one’s own death is to open towards a flood of life’. Frère Roger, Taizé. It was a tough old year and I really miss my dad but goodness, how proud I am to be his daughter. I realise that no amounts of 'one more day' or 'one more trip to the sea together' or one more anything, would ever be enough. Only heaven will satisfy all I long for.
I’m at the point where I can look back and be very thankful.
I don’t want to pretend it was all wonderful, because it was not and is not. From
a work perspective, one of the biggest things I grieve is not using the skills
I have built up in terms of language and cross-cultural experience. I feel a
challenge to grow in confidence and understanding that, as a Child of God, I am
called to love those in front of me and that can be anywhere, and I don’t need
a particular job title for that. I am accepted and loved for who I am, but I
grieve the parts of me that are taking a rest for now and the parts that made
me feel alive in a way that fuelled passion and meaning. I am grateful to take
a step back and I am confident in the knowledge that God is faithful and is
showing me the way forward, but I hold that confidence and sorrow in the same
cupped hands, knowing that God meets me there. I have learned a lot about
lamenting in the last 18 months and it has been good. I love The Message translation
of Matthew 5:4. ‘You are blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to
you. Only then can you be embraced by the one most dear to you’.
‘Suffering brings to life what is otherwise dormant. God
redeems through suffering. We must learn to live in that tension – of beauty
and pain, anguish and joy, terror and transcendence, joy and sorrow. We descend
into the depths and are lifted to the heavens – we experience frailty and
become strong, we repent of our sins and find salvation. We die to ourselves
and meet God’. From Grace disguised by Jerry Sittser. Only an upside-down God
can bring the richest of blessings from the deepest of hurts. I love Him.
It’s funny because not long before I heard about my redundancy, I was encouraging myself and my team to remember that it’s Jesus we serve and no-one or nothing else. We had busy schedules, a lot of pressure and timelines that were not really set up to bring out the best in us or the people we were partnering with. It’s life for so many people and of course there were lots of reasons that meant life didn’t run in a way that allowed optimal timelines, but I wanted us to remember that in it all, we did what we did for Jesus and no-one else. It felt like a lifeline, and little did I know that I was soon going to need to understand this simple phrase at a whole new level. In some ways it simplifies life to its core, and it has proved to hold the power to blow away some very dark clouds from my heavy spirit. I have felt battered and bruised and yet deeply free. I realised that all God calls us to is to love Him, love ourselves and love one another. It really is as simple as that. And so I’ve started to reflect on my sudden change in circumstances as my ‘rescue’. My rescue from the whirl that was inadvertently keeping me from something else...
He reached down and
took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep
waters.
He brought me out
into a spacious place
He rescued me because
He delighted in me.
Psalm 18
I’m still figuring out what paid employment God is calling
me to (there is plenty of unpaid loving I can do and enjoy doing)…. I have just completed a post graduate certificate in healthcare
chaplaincy with London Southbank University. The opportunity took me by surprise but is giving me new ways to express
my heart. As a nurse, I always hungered for more time to ‘just be’ with
patients, to walk alongside them and to offer more than medicine. Chaplaincy
turns out to be much more than I realised it was (not just religious care, but
more about spirituality and finding meaning). It has also been a
place where I have felt so welcome and to hear the words, ‘what you bring is
so valued in our team’ has been deeply healing to my soul. I have the
opportunity to work a couple of days a week in Great Ormond Street Hospital in
London as a Hospital Chaplain over the summer, as well as applying for a part time role at the hospital in
Exeter which is very much home to me. Alongside that, I have been working as a
Specialist Travel nurse in a Travel clinic… it has been fun to be on the other
side of the vaccination needle and to be inspired by people’s adventures. I'm so thankful for a new season that gives me time and space for family and friends and of course a bit more time to work in Mum's very beautiful garden.
This doesn’t feel like the most exciting update, but I just wanted to fill in some blanks and to testify to God’s love and faithfulness. When I worked with Mercy Ships, I always said that I would never get tired of seeing hope born in people’s lives and nothing has changed and I hope it never will. If there's one thing I want to take with me from 2023, it's the realisation that even if things that I treasure are taken away, no-one can ever take away the things that are eternal.
One thing remains… His love never fails.
Love always, KWW
