This
is a story of love. God’s love for Kirstie Randall. It’s only a snippet of the
journey, but it’s been so incredible, I feel like I have to write it down.
A
couple of years back, I was waltzing along thinking everything was tippety top…
verging on the prideful perhaps… and that’s precisely when I fell. I found
myself tumbling down a deep and dark pit… full of ugly temptation that wanted
to separate me from God. I could never imagine life without God… but I had
become so dry from so much giving out and not enough pouring in, that my spirit
no longer had the drive or passion or umph to even communicate with God.
Following Him seemed so hard and quite frankly, unfair. Surely... oh surely,
God would give me what I wanted and what I thought He wanted too. But no
husband ever came. It fed my insecurities and gave life to the lies… ‘I’m not
good enough’. And so I lived my life. Carefully negotiating and subconsciously
avoiding any potential relationship; much easier to keep myself from potential
rejection than to take the risk of finding love. And so the enemy carried on,
weaving a web of lies and ugly destruction. I have honestly never felt so low
in the last couple of years. And never felt so sad inside… never felt so
utterly empty and alone… and as I left the ship, never felt such grief and loss
of people and experiences so much… never so tired of my own pretence that, ‘everything
was ok’ to the faces of people I loved. But what else could I do? To share
seemed to equate with admitting defeat. I didn’t want to do that. My God of
love was calling – and even though I could hear Him, I just couldn’t muster up
the energy to climb out of the pit of rebellion and chose to stay there. I felt
like I had no purpose, no passion, no energy… it was an ugly despair. But my
God of love kept calling. And I decided, I guess… that it must be the only way.
You’d
have thought such disregard for God, such disobedience, such denial, such
arrogance and eyes taken off God to the lesser Gods, such longing for the
instant satisfiers, you would have thought it would be a one way ticket, a
point of no return, a smack in the face… a sentence to the pit of Hell forever.
But no, not my God of mercy who is full of grace. Not my God who goes to the
ends of the earth to tell His story. Nope, instead he turned it all around and
upside down. He took me to the hidden pain and healed it, He took me to the
deeply entrenched lies I had learned through life and destroyed them, He took
me from the pit of despair and breathed life into me. He breathed LIFE into me!
My little shattered, squashed, wounded, fragile spirit was made whole again and
I began to find joy once more. That’s how it is with God you see, He turns
things upside down and inside out.
Ephesians
3 :20-21 Now to Him Who, by (in consequence
of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out
His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask
or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or
dreams]-- To Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all
generations forever and ever. Amen (so be it).
And now
my heart is so full of thanks and praise… it fuels a passion to be His voice of
love like never before. My heart has a new compassion, my eyes are learning to
see people and circumstance, and even myself, through the eyes of the one who
sees it all – who doesn’t see the sin, but the acts of brokenness… and who
doesn’t come to condemn but to restore and redeem. How incredible is that!!
God, you are simply beautiful. And as if that isn’t enough, He blesses me –
totally, abundantly more than I could ask or imagine. There’s lots of parts of
the journey that I feel like are incomplete – but I wait less and less
anxiously, as I fix my eyes on my God who will always do superabundantly more
than I ask or imagine. God of the impossible I trust you with all that I am and
all that I will be.
But
there’s a hitch. Did you notice in that verse it says. ‘…superabundantly more… according to the power at work in us’. I
feel like the power is at work in me more now - but at one point it really wasn’t and I’m
pretty sure that’s why I wasn’t seeing the ‘abundantly more’. At work I have
seen some patients miraculously get better, on the streets I have prayed for
people whose lives I just know God is in the process of invading… I can feel
the power rising up in me. I know that getting rid of those lies and confessing
where I’d messed up and being filled with more truth has made way for a new
wave of God’s power in my life and I am excited and expectant for what’s next.
You
see, what the enemy meant for evil, God has taken and is using as a weapon for
His Glory – where I was SO dry, I feel SO alive!
There’s
all sorts of dreams in my heart right now… all sorts of wonderings and ifs and
buts. But I know I have to be faithful with what God has put in my hands for
now. So as I look to the miracle of Regina
So to
God be the glory. Wherever you may be at… may God go to your depths, clean you
out, heal your pain, make you new, fan your flames and fill your life with
purpose… with love always, kww xx
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